Figuring out life

I am slowly trying to figure out when you cross the line of "try harder" and "there's nothing you can do about it. For example, I have people calling my house all the time asking for donations. I see the St. Jude commercial about the sick kids needing donations. I have a homelss man who begs at the corner of a road that is near my house. I see the shows on the starving kids in Africa. I want to help them all. However, John and I are selling our house to save money in case he gets laid off before he can find a new job. Should I really give away money? But I was also able to buy my kids Christmas presesnts this year and there are lots of kids who get any. I am racked with guilt with being unable to help more people without hurting myself in the process. Where is that line between being selfish and being responsible?

Being a Grown-up

Today I realized that when my birthday comes I will closer to 30 then 20. Yuck! And I keep wondering if that is when I'll start feeling like a grown-up? Is there an official day you feel like an adult or does it just kind of creep up on you? As of right now I still feel like that akward 11 year old girl who is old enough to wear a bra but her mom still puts her in lacy socks. Do we ever get past those moments or do they stick with us forever? I went to a birthday party for my friend from high-school's son. We actually weren't that close in high school, became friends kinda during senior year, but have talked more since we are some of the few our age who have kids. Anyways, I had a blast there but in the back of my mind I still wonder if I looked like a dork, or maybe the crazy girl with 4 kids, or if I just look like that akward 5th grader again. I just want to know if I'm ever gonna stop caring about the popularity thing? I mean I've given birth 4 times, bought and sold a house, bought cars, graduated, college, worked as a nurse for a few years, currently working on starting a business with my husband, and still don't feel like what I expect a grown-up should feel like. Maybe I never will.

Tomorrow

You ever have those days when you can't wait for tomorrow? When you feel like a failure in every way thats its important to be great? I hate those days. I have had a lot of them lately. I am not the fun smart mom I should be. My poor husband who is working 70-80 hour weeks has had to take the worst dinners to work this week. I mean I have litterly handed him a can of soup for diner. Bleh! Tonight I thought it would be great to have chipped-beef- and-gravy with biscuits for dinner. Turned out way better in my head. I love southern food but biscuits out of a can ruined it. It's been two day since i did my hair or put on make-up. I miss sleep more then anything else right now and a million things keep going wrong with my health. Normal boring sick stuff but I am tired of it. And to top it off I am swiping my kid's candy from Halloween. All the good stuff....I ate it. I keep saying "Tomorrow wil be better. I'll do it right tomorrow. We'll do crafts, I'll ccok and look great doing it!" Then another night of little sleep slips by and all I want to do is take a really great nap. Chloe has been one of the happiest babies i have ever experienced. She radiates pure joy. But she hardly sleeps. We are going on day 3 of no naps and up every 1 1/2 hours at night. She has learned to roll over and is not happy when she flips to her back, but she does it all night long. And I know I am supposed to let her cry it out a little longer but I am so afraid she'll wake up the other kids. Hardwood floors upstairs = bad idea. I just want Natalie to stop asking "Can we do something fun today?" It makes me feel like everyday is boring. John Michael has also given up on naps. We get maybe a half hour. I know he's teething but this is way tougher then it was with the girls. At least he's too cute to stay frustrated with. Maybe tomorrow......

Smoke Free

So I was all for the smoking bans in public places. I mean did they really think it worked to just have us on opposite sides of the restaurant and that somehow the air would clean itself before it got over to the non-smoker side of the building? No. But now, even though they go outside, I have to walk through the smoke to go inside and then back through the smoke to leave. I hate it. I smell like smoke the whole time. Plus to top it off, I have to walk my kids through it. I think the next time I actually have the money to take the whole family out to dinner i am gonna get gas masks for the kids to wear as we walk past the smokers. Maybe they will be offended but.....I didn't ask for cancer, and how many thousands die each year from second hand smoke? And besides all the breathing it in stuff, now that everyone smokes outside so much more, I swear the gutters are completely full of cigarette butts instead of just half-way. Why do people think that is okay, to just throw trash on the ground? I am sorry if this comes off as rude.... but no I am not really.

Womanhood

So yesterday I had a very traumatizing experience that has really made me reconsider being a woman. If there was a vote in heaven and we got to choose what sex to be when we came to get bodies.....I was truly tricked into choosing to be female. I am also convinced that if there was not a choice involved then there had better be bonus points involved for every year I survive womanhood without losing my mind. We all joke about the thing we have to deal with, but I really mean it when I say we got the short end of the stick. Men might get physically used more but we get physically abused more..and not in the domestic violence way. I mean we hit puberty way earlier and have to deal with that mess way longer then guys. I mean who wouldn't rather deal with pimples and sketchy vocal sounds rather then Mother Nature's monthly visit. Besides the pain and other unpleasant side effects, that is one costly monthly visit! And actually more then monthly because 28 days is not a whole month! Plus your annual GYN appointment! Then yes I am sure some women love being able to feel a baby grow inside her, but wouldn't it be so much nicer just to be able to put a hand on someone else's stomach and feel it when you want to then roll over and go to sleep with all of your organs in tact! I would put up with all the late night food runs and swollen foot rubs for that convenience. Then there is child birth which I have already vented enough about. And lastly the reason I wrote this post..... Birth Control. What an incredibly horrible thing to deal with. Because of a poor family history and my personal views on the matter (stroke, blood clots, cancer, heart attacks, weight gain, etc.), anything involving hormones are out of the question. Using (or not) condoms is how I got my first two amazing kids. So that leaves either surgery, again out of the question, or some rather uncomfortable options. Like a diaphragm ... seriously? I know they work but who thought removing something like that would be what a woman feels like doing on any regular basis. So I am left with the Para guard IUD or being pregnant again which I seriously need a break from for little while. Without going in to all the gross details of getting an IUD I just have to say that it was one of the most horrible experiences. I hate it. Now my periods are so bad i have to use the same pads i used the day after my kids were born. I go through a tampon in minutes. I have to sleep on the same mattress protectors my kids use to keep the bed dry from their nighttime accidents. And there is no point getting dressed because I will just ruin my good clothes. Sometimes being a woman is really not cool.....

Grown-Up Clothes

So a couple of weeks ago, John sent me out to buy some clothes for myself. I guess he was tired of seeing me in my pajamas all day. I needed a break from being "Mom" for a little while so I said okay and headed off to Marshall's. Now when I go shopping, the store is split in two sections.... the "I am young and hip, have style and no kids" (the Juniors) section, and the " I am old, have kids, love spandex, and hate style section" (also known as women's) section. I have always wondered at what age you finally cross over that abyss and no longer go in the juniors department. When do people start looking at you and saying "Oh, I hope she is just shopping for a neice and not herself"? They go up to size 16 so you could possibly shop that department forever. I looked around the juniors department for a while, picked up a couple of shirts, but I didn't feel in the mood because nothing looked like what a mother of four should be wearing. So I looked across the store at the Women's section and decided to head over and just take a peak and see how bad it really was. And if by some chance I saw someone I knew I would say I was looking for my mom. As I wandered around the Tops section I saw the cutest sweater! I grabbed it, it was a large which is what I usually buy in tops, and decided that some lazy person had put this back in the wrong section. All of a sudden I saw two more tops I liked, then a few more. I looked at the sign over head to make sure this really was the women's section and it was. But I was so baffled. This had to be a fluke. I grabbed a couple more shirts and went to try them on. Then the best thing ever happened.....The top was too big! Now I am rather large on top so this NEVER happens. I have been wearing large tops since puberty. I ran, yes ran, out of the dressing rooms and back to my new favorite section. I got the right sizes and was about to go try them on when I walked past the pants section. Now this the the true test for Women's clothes. Everyone knows about the famous "Mom" jeans. They are skinny at the bottom, wide up top, and go up way higher then the belly button. I saw a couple pair that might be okay and grabbed my usual size again. Now in juniors I have been a size 9/10 FOREVER! And again as i went to the dressing rooms the clothes were too big. WOOHOO!! I felt like the ladies on the Jenny Craig commercial. "I used to be a size 10 but now I am a size 4!" I dropped 6 pants sizes and all I had to do was go to the Grown-up section!!!!! Best diet ever.

Prego T-shirt Slogans

So I will never be a clothing designer, but I always wanted to design a line of maternity shirts with cute slogans on them. Mostly it's just the things I was thinking while I was pregnant but could never say out loud. And this way if it was on a t-shirt, people would get less offended. If anyone who reads this owns a t-shirt printing company and wants to steal these, go ahead. I will give you my address to send my royalties check to. If anyone wants to add to them, awesome.

1. (Across the stomach) Private Property!

2. Alien 4 (or whatever number child it is for you)

3. When am I due for what?

4. Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I want to hear all the horrible things that happened to you when you were pregnant. I have a little person in my stomach kicking my kidneys! I think I am freaked out enough. It's like Thumper said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"

5. No I am not pregnant I just like chocolate....a lot.

6. Do I know what it is? I am hoping it's a baby.

7. I'm not sleeping, my skin is tearing, I spend more time in the bathroom then in any other part of my house, my organs are being shoved around, I am craving gross things, my feet are swollen so big they are stuck in my shoes, my pelvic bone just cracked open, and I lost my belly button last week ...... so no honey, I am Not in the mood.

8. Immaculate Conception number 3

9. This is my fourth attempt at giving my Father-in-Law a heart attack!

10. I make Dolly Parton jealous.... you just can't tell because I have a stomach to match.

11. Do I need anything...... I need someone to tie my shoes for me.

12. No they are not all mine. I stole 2 of them from the lady in line behind me.

Smell up my House Day

So today is officially "Smell up my House Day". No, its not really a holiday for me but more of a ritual I follow several times a month. I fill my house with every smelly thing I possibly can. Let me rephrase that.... every good smelly thing I can find. I love plug-ins, febreze, candles, etc.I really wouldn't care if they told me all the scented stuff in my house causes cancer. I need my smellies. I go around and strip down all the beds. Then I spray each mattress down with either febreze or antibacterial spray and if that is not enough I put baby powder all over the mattresses before I put the sheets back on. I love the smell of babies! Today I even put fabric softener sheets under the sheets because I was out of baby powder. And the finishing touch is carpet refresher. Luckily my husband never says anything to make fun of me over my smell fetish. It really isn't my fault anyways. I inherited it from my mom. I am reminded of that every time I walk into her house and she has enough incense sticks lit to shame a Buddhist temple. That is on top of a plug-in in ever outlet, those nasty oil sticks my son LOVES to knock over, and tacky potpourri in bowls. Plus my mom bathes in her perfume to make sure she smells just as wonderful as her house. So this illness gets better with every generation. I don't really use perfume and I have never, (okay once) bought tacky potpourri. I do have to say I love incense, but only the real kind and not any funny scented stuff. Well time to go vacuum up my carpet refresher.

My cooking Talents

So last night for family home evening, I decided we were going to make popcorn balls. I had this crazy idea that the best way to make them way to make popcorn from scratch. My mother-in-law makes it all the time, so how hard could it be? I called her for directions and I set off to make 3quarts of popcorn. I followed directions perfect, except for taking the pot off the burner, and since my stove is electric it stays hot for a long time. I lifted the lid and suddenly my eyes felt like they were on fire. I realized that what I thought was steam was smoke. I emptied it in the trash can and set off to make another pot. I couldn't give up that easy! Well, after the smoke came pooring out of the lid a second time, I was pretty sure that the popcorn was ruined. While I was cooking popcorn I was alos cooking dinner. So of course when John walks in from work he thinks his dinner is ruined and cracks a couple of jokes. Unfortunately my self-esteem is down in the gutter because who can't cook popcorn? Oil, kernels, and heat.... how hard could it possibly be. Then John comes up with the most brilliant idea, use the bags of microwave poporn from downstairs! Of course I thought of that but it didn't seem as good of an idea as making it from scratch. I did give up since my house had smoke pooring out the windows and used the microwave stuff, and after making the...sticky gooey stuff that goes on the popcorn I made some good looking popcorn balls. They tasted awesome even if the popcorn wasn't from scratch. And of course the idea of making popcorn balls with the kids didn't work because the carmel-like topping is extremly hot when its liquid and and has to be put on before it cools. Both kids burnt thier hands but not too bad. Maybe tomorrow we will try caramel apples.........

My Two Dads

I wrote a book with that title for a project in 5th grade. Explanation is that my dad isn't my birth father. Most of my friends know that my parents were married before and Kevin is not my biological father. You would never know it though if you saw us together. We don't look identical but not too different either. Its more the way we act. When we are getting along, we're great. When we are disagreeing it can get ugly. Mostly because we are so alike it ticks each other of so much. He has never treated me as anything less then his daughter. He adopted me when I was... well old enough to remember the adoption certificate coming to the post office. Still I am amazed at how many of my personality traits come from him though I would have rather inherited his tanning abilities. I mean the man looks Puerto Rican after 1/2 an hour in the sun. I don't know much about my birth father. I mean I know him about as well as you can know a character in a book. That is what he feels like to me. A fictional chracter. My mom has always been willing to talk about him, and amazingly it has been all good if you take away the part about him takeing off. I also know my biological grandparents and aunts. My grandmother (I call her Bana..don't ask because all I know is it has something to do with bananas) has also always been as open with me as possible. But still, it is hard to know someone you've never met. I know he saw me after I was born. I've seen a picture of him holding me, but thats it. When I was around 12 I found out he had had a daughter with his second wife. I was so excited. I finally had what I think every little girl wants... a sister. I only got to be excited for a short period of time when I realized since I never met him, I would most likely never meet her. I tried to avoid asking Bana about his daughter so I wouldn't put her in a wierd position. But I thought about it alot. Good thoughts and bad thoughts. What was she like, did we look alike, did she know about me, why he stuck around for her not me, was she prettier, a better baby, did having her make him wonder about me, etc. When we finally found her through the miracle of facebook this winter, I was so excited. Itwas fun to see how much we really are alike. Our personalities are so similar and so are our interests. I am not sure we look a whole lot alike. At first I didn't even think about him when we were talking. Now I know he knows about us talking and I want to know what he is thinking. Does he know he should be a grandfather? Does he wonder if I am happy? Does he want ot know if I look like him or how about my kids? It is so confusing.

Relief Society Broadcast

Last Saturday night I attended a broadcast for the women in my church. It was so great to sit and listen to a message that really put into perspective the importance women have in the world and in the family. Sometimes as a mom I feel so helpless listening to the news and hearing about the countless children in the world who are abused, neglected, or exploited. It hurts so bad thinking there is nothing I can do to help ease their pain. I hurts seeing the hate that is in the world and the way people treat each other so poorly. I mean my outlook on life has really gone down the tubes. But hearing the messages like the ones I heard, remind me of what my role is. It is my job to raise my children in love and teach them how to treat others. Teach them the importance of having Christ in their hearts so their actions can make the world around them a little better. And if every mom could have such pride in their role in their children's lives we would have a better world. The talks also reminded me that it doesn't take huge acts to change a life. Its the small things that make the difference. For all the women who don't have children, the message was the same. One woman can make a huge difference in so many people lives. They can teach, serve, and help in so many ways. In a world where most women, let alone a stay at home mom, is not really idolized, it felt good to hear I my job is invaluable.
But more amazing then all that is the part of the message that I felt spoke directly to me. That when we are at our lowest points, it is then that we should serve others. We we feel we have nothing we should give. Thinking of others instead of ourselves. How quickly our own outlook can improve when we serve others.

Why the Disney Princesses ruined us Women.

My girls are down stairs watching Beauty and the Beast right now and I was listening to the song the Gaston sings in the Pub. And then it hit me. Disney is the reason that women have such poor taste in men.Seriously, Belle's choice in husbands is between a pompous but handsome jerk that all the girls in village are after and a guy who was so spoiled a witch had to go and turn him into a beast to teach him a lesson. What does that teach little girls? All guys are grouchy, hairy, and ill-mannered but its OK because you can change them into princes who will worship you. Next is Snow White. She has to run away to escape from her evil step mother and marries a princes she met once before, after living with seven other men first. I don't even have to go into what that infers. And what about Cinderella. She teaches us marry the first rich guy you meet who can dance and likes your shoes. Then there's Princess Jasmine who teaches us to ignore all your parents rules and marry whoever you want even if he lies to you about everything. Ariel and Jasmine are pretty close in love lessons but Ariel doesn't even care if her husband is the same species. She says you should change to be whatever he wants you to be.
And men wonder why we are so crazy. They can blame Walt Disney.

My Happiest Moment

I was thinking about how crazy life is this morning and wondering is there a time in my life I wish I could go back to? You know, that happiest moment. Like some people wish they could go back to high school days, their favorite summer vacation, or even back to playing in the sand box days. I realized that there is no other moment then now that I would really reather be in. No matter how complicated, crazy, frustrating, or overwhelming it all gets, now is still better. I've learned more, loved more, cried more, and even been more in the last few years then all the 20 years before that put together. I truelly have my best friend next to me everyday and all the other problems and trials seems so much less important because of it.

It's a boy thing

So I have discovered that my son is Bam-Bam. I mean right out of Flintstone land, Bam-Bam. He loves to bang, break, yell, and crash. I guess it's a boy thing because my girls never went through this. But just like his cartoon chracter counterpart, he knows when he has to be gentle. When he is near his little sister, he is the sweetest, gentlest little man ever. He uses two fingers to rub her head and moves very slowly to kiss her. The girls aren't even that gentle. I guess it's a boy thing.

Reality Check

So I thought this morning, "I am super woman! I can handle taking 4 kids to the grocery store!" Well a 4,3,1, and 6 week old baby and I all got packed into the van and headed off to Shop-Rite. We actually made it through the entire store with no sore bottoms, no broken jars, and a full grocery cart. We get home in one piece and I unload the car. While I put away all the milk products, the baby is in the swing and the kids are eating lunch. I look around and think, "Yay! I did it! I am awesome!" Just then the baby starts to cry. So I clean up my 1 year old and put him to bed so I can nurse the baby in peace. As I go to lift my precious daughter out of the swing I realize she is completely covered in poo. I mean up the front, up the back, and out the sides. I run upstairs to start the cleaning process but I soon realize that the more poop I clean off the baby the more I get on me. By the time I am done cleaning up Chloe, I need a bath. At the end of this episode it took just as long to change and clean up the baby as it did for me to grocery shop. Maybe I am not super woman. Good thing kids dish out humility so cutely!

Life's Suprises

The last 5 years of my life has been full of suprises. It's felt like a drive in the country in the middle of the night when you have your high beams on and still can't see what's around the next corner, or what is going to pop out on the road in front of you. Most of my surprises have been more then wonderful. I married John sooner then expected, had four wonderful kids, graduated college, enjoyed work, and now enjoying staying at home. We were so lucky to get John an amazing job that afforded us the opportunity to own a home much earlier then expected. There have really been so many blessings. At the same time, as soon as the ride seems to go smoothly, there is a curve in the road or something jumping in front of us that causes us to really hit our brakes. We had the unexpected complications with my pregnancy with Brooke, who tried to come out earlier then planned, followed by me hemorrhaging after delivery. Not long after buying our first home and passing the 12 week "safe" mark of my third pregnancy, I found out I was going to miscarry. Definitely one of the hardest moments a mom has to go through, made harder by the fact I had to come up with an explanation a 2 and 3 year old could understand. The sadness only lessened when we were happy to find out that I was pregnant again and more then excited we would have a little "John". Not long after his birth we were knocked off cloud nine by news that he was close to suffering brain damage by the rising bilirubin levels in his blood. We again made it through the ordeal with a happy, healthy baby. Again after being suprised with baby number four, we found out that there was a very good chance John might lose his job before the baby would arrive. After going through the months of biting our nails, the Union and Sunoco reached an agreement. Chloe arrived this summer and has been more then a burst of sunshine to our family. She has really brought a whole new level of happiness to our home. And yet here we are again facing another layoff and the very really fact that we would be much better off selling our home before the end of the year and waiting to buy a new house for several months. Although everything seems so unpredictable, I really think we are haapier now then we have ever been. I think if my married life had been more predictable, it wouldn't be as amazing as it is now. I realized that at every moment when life has taken one of those sharp turns, it was an opportunity for John and I to hold on to each other and make it through. Each problem has left us stronger as a partners and parents. I think that is what God's plan is. He presents problems as opportunites. How else could we learn? If life just went along "perfectly", we wouldn't need each other, we wouldn't grow, we wouldn't really do anything. But each time we feel things are out of our control and we lean on each other, whether its parents, spouses, or friends, we grow together. We learn how strong we really are. We learn how much we really love each other. We learn what truelly makes us happy and what really is important. Then, as soon as life gets easy again, we start to forget. We get back in old patterns, we spend when we should save, we say I love you less often then we should, we start to think we are doing things by ourselves, until we are knocked back down again and have to learn what we should already know. What a perfect plan God has. He continues to offer us opportunites to learn even repeat lessons and he gives us the people who are most able to help us through. Man, as many times as I have been knocked on my butt I must really forget fast.

Mommy Thoughts

I don't know if it is technically post-par tum depression but I have felt so crazy after the last two babies. I have these crazy anxiety attacks and my mind goes to the worst places. The other day I was driving over the St. Georges bridge with just Chloe in the car and I kept thinking that if the bridge collapses how am I gonna get in the back, unbuckle her and swim to the surface, or if it was better to leave her in the carrier because it would help her float up to the surface, and how would I do CPR fast enough if I had to swim to the shore. It was a much more mild anxiety attack then usual. It gets worse when all four kids are with me and I go over a bridge or think I am gonna get in a car accident and how will I check on them all. It is so much harder because I really am not that person who worries about everything. I am so laid back and I hate feeling so uptight. The other night I was trying desperately to figure out how I would save my kids if some horrible person broke in my house and tried to attack my girls. I couldn't figure out if it was better to try to fight him and take the chance of being killed and really not being able to save them, or try and hide them before the guy got upstairs , but how do you keep a 1,3, and 4 year old quiet and not to mention the baby? And the more I tried every scenario out in my head, the worse it got. I finally realized I can't save them, and now I feel like a failure of a mom. It took at least 6 months after John Michael to stop being so irrational. I hope it stops sooner this time. Its keeping me up at night and the only thing that makes it better is being next to the kids or John. As soon as they are away from me I get scared again. I guess its a normal mom thing to want to keep your family safe but this is kind of extreme.

Mommy Math

So I have figured out that when it comes to motherhood, more really is less. More kids equals less money, more babies equals less sleep, more family equals less food, and more bodies to dress means less clothes for mommy. Of course there is always the positives side to those things. There might be less money to spend but we have gotten more creative for fun time and the in-laws have us over for dinner at least once a week to help out. We're not that broke but it is GREAT to not have to cook a meal. There might be less sleep for mommy, but daddy has risen to the challenge of a new level of noise to sleep through. I think he deserves a reward for it. Less clothes for mommy because everything is dirty 2 minutes after I put it on so whats the point of putting on new clothes, just to have them dirty again. The up side to that is .......more laundry? Woohoo.

My peices of Heaven

Lately the most commonly asked question to me has been, "Are you done?". Referring of course to me having more kids. Why is everyone so concerned with my sex life? I mean honestly it is just a more polite way of asking, "Are you going to have unprotected sex again in the near future?". I would undestand if I had borrowed money from people to care for my kids, or if I complained about them, but I haven't. Besides I only have 4 kids, not 20. In the old days people had 12 kids or more and it was normal. Why did that change? The more kids I have, the more I want. After my first, I wasn't sure if I could handle more then one. When brooke came along and I saw how amazing it was to have two sisters being best friends, I wanted a million. I think after each child I have been able to enjoy life more. They teach me so much about life, about parenting, about being human. They remind me of what's important and keep me on track. Their innocence is my little reminder of heaven. Knowing that we were together before we came to earth and to remind me to be a better person so we can be there together again. Why wouldn't I want more of that?

McDonalds Has the Right Idea

Why can't every restaurant be like McDonald's? I mean the food isn't world class or healthy, but what if every family restaurant had a playground? My mom and I took the kids there yesterday and it was so nice when they got done eating I could actually finish my own food, have a conversation, and not have to worry about anything being messed up. If more restaurants had a play area I bet more money would be spent there. Wouldn't you eat at a place where the kids could go off and play and you can get more then two consecutive bites in and end the dinner without indigestion because of speed eating? Why has only a fast food restaurant thought of this?

Baby Number 4

I don't know why I was so much more scared of having this baby then I was was of the last three. Probably because it was unexpected and we were just getting a good schedule together for the other kids. This was also my first delivery in a hospital. Not a bad experience at all and other then going home right after giving birth, not too different. No feet in stirrups, Doc sat on the bed, etc. The only thing I was kind of hoping for was when those contractions really got going I thought it would be nice to have an epidural. I was scared of them too though because I never had a needle jammed in my spine before. By the anesthesiologist came in and was explaining it all to me, risks and benefits, I was pretty positive I had run out of time. But the nurse swore we had planty of time and they never tell any one its too late. My mom laughed at her and less then 30 seconds later my doc walked in, shoowed the anesthesiologist away and said "start pushing". I wanted to punch that nurse. Of course she probably wasn't used to people delivering 15 minutes after their water breaks. Poor Doctor Cooksey didn't even have time to throw a gown on. He was in his jeans and T-shirt. Actually I was glad my husband made it there before I had to start pushing. Each of my deliveries has gottenmore painful and I don't think I would have made it through this without being able to have him cheer me on. My youngest brother was even there. He was as far as he could posibly be at the head of my bed to avoid seeing anything but I think it was all so excitng for him he wouldn't have noticed anyways. He hung out with the doctor after it was over and checked out the placenta and all. Maybe he will end up a doctor. It feels so good to have all my kids back under one roof and none in my tummy. I can't wait until we're all back on a schedule, but we're doing good so far.

Summer Vacation

So my summer so far has been beyond crazy and not at all a vacation. To make everything all better, John took us away for the weekend to the Jersey Shore. I am sure his intentions were awesome, but three kids 4 and under in the same room as mom and dad = no sleep for mom. Not even the usual 3 hours. My son does not sleep in a pack-n-play because he is huge and the youngest of the two girls was kept up. My in-laws came to the beach with us and kept my oldest in the room with them but I knew my mother-in-law wouldn't listen and would bring Natalie to bed with her. Usually this isn't a big deal but my daughter is the craziest sleeper you'll ever see. She yells and screams and kicks and it is rather disturbing. I knew my mother-in-law wasn't going to be able to sleep because of it so I didn't sleep because I felt so guilty. Of course I was right and neither of us slept. Even with all that, the hotel was great and the beach days were wonderful. John still doesn't understand why I didn't sleep but that's coming from a man who would sleep through a train wreck. It was our only chance for a vacation this summer with a baby due in few weeks so I am glad we went. The picture is my family minus me. I am always behind the camera. Maybe at 8 months pregnant this is better...

I'll take the insanity plea!

I don't know why but in the last two weeks I have lost my mind. I mean I really do need a straight jacket and a cup full of blue pills. Between the 3 hours of sleep at night, surging hormone levels and life..... I can't say I'm completely surprised. I have gone from from a happy mother of 3 who every once in a while remembers she is pregnant when she bumps her stomach on some foreign object to crazy woman who need her husband to tell her to do SOMETHING with her hair, who knows what her toothbrush is for but doesn't have time to use it, who cries at commercials, and who is stuck on volume level 30. At least I am making an honest attempt at getting dressed everyday. To make myself feel better I do have to say that the last 31/2 weeks of my life have been insane. We have been trying to refinance our house for a little while. Because property values have dropped so bad here we were pretty positive that we had no equity in our house and would never get approved for the refi. And we really need it because it will make about a $400 difference in our payment. Before we could get our house appraised though we had to fix up our only full bath. Although I only wanted it repainted and presentable it turned into my bathroom being gutted. Yes I could see the insulation in my walls kind of gutted. So instead of a few days inturned into a few weeks. And since this was our only bathtub we all bathed in the laundry room sink for those 3 1/2 weeks. To make matters worse our second bathroom is only 2ft x 3ft. 5 people trying to brush their teeth in the morning was a parade. And because after 3 kids we're broke, my husband and my wonderfully anal german father-in-law did the work which of course presented daily problems. To make it all even better, all the work was done around my husbands work schedule which is 12 hour shift work, which means I had no husband for 3 1/2 weeks. All time home was spent in the bathroom. I truelly fet like a single mom who lived in the dirtiest house ever because construction work is nasty and no matter how many times I vaccuumed, it was there. And my kids didn't nap because daddy and pops are banging new holes in the walls and cutting tile and pops is using four letter words right and left. The bathroom of course wasn't finished until 12 hours before the appraisel so we spent the whole night cleaning house. Oh and by-the-way, our appraisel came back way higher then expected (because of my awesome bathroom) but the bank decided not to honor the rate-lock we had and of course interest rates have been climbing the last 3 weeks. I hate incompetent people. I just want to sign the papers and be done. Thank goodnes for my new soaking tub or I think I would have been checked into the local psych ward already...

What was I thinking..

So I am really prego now and have at least 6 more weeks to go. I am nauseous again and have no appetite. I am not sleeping more then a couple of hours and my hips are popping out of place every time I move. I can't breathe and I am trying to keep up with two crazy girls and a newly walking 1 year old. All I want to do is sleep and curl up in a bawl. I feel like such a horrible mom. Between this pregnancy, My last one and the miscarriage, I have been prego for 19 of the last 24 months. I am getting a separate bed from my husband. I need a break! I love my kids but this is crazy. I have enjoyed watching them rub my belly and trying to feel for the baby. Yesterday the little girl inside me went crazy. My whole belly shook for like 5 seconds. Brooke was cuddling me at the time and felt it. She never moved but her eyes went wide open and she looked at me like "was that normal". I told her the baby was so excited she was laying with us that she was doing a dance. Brooke loved it. Natalie is so proud she tells everyone about how she's getting a new baby sister and that she is going to help mommy. Poor John Micheal wants to be held right now when he's teething but 33 lbs on my 20 pound stomach is too much for me. So we hang out on the floor a lot. I am so excited to see what this one's going to look like. Just a few more weeks.....

My first Delivery

The second part of motherhood that moms don't tell each other is about the delivery. Labor is not just painful and stressful, its crazy. I'm about to have me fourth and I still feel that I have no idea what's going to happen. I had my first three children at a birth center and midwives did the delivery. Yes it is all very hippyish but a really wonderful experience at the end. Of course my mom was the one who introduced me to the Birth Center. She had a friend go there and really fell in love with the whole idea. When I was pregnant I was ready to take any advice I could get from her so that was where I went. The midwives were amazing and it really felt like a family. Natalie came a week late.....well I was in labor for the whole week up until I had her so I went into labor on time but it took awhile for her to bless us with her presence. My contractions were five minutes apart and lasted a minute for 5 days. When the "active" labor kicked in, I thought I just had an upset stomach and was heading to the bathroom. Then I realized in came in waves and even though I was going to be sick, there was a baby coming. I woke John up and told him I think it's time. He asked me if I was sure and after the week we had been through, I wasn't. So we headed for the bathroom, he ran me a hot bath to help with the pain while i juggled between nausea and stomach cramps. Some how my mom from 2 floors up (we lived in my parents basement apartment) heard us up and came running down. She took one look at me shaking on the toilet and told john to take me to the Birth Center(TBC) now! I still wanted to get in the bathtub but was told that i was leaving now. I vomited the whole way. By the time i got to the birth center I was 6cm and 50 % effaced. They have these awesome Jacuzzi tubs at TBC. I insisted on getting in until it was time to have her. By the time the tub was done filling I was 8 cm but I had heard that the warm water took away the pain so I was getting in there. Two second after I am butt naked in the tub, my mother in law comes in to check on me. It was amazing how much I didn't care I was naked when the pain got that bad. The midwife came back in 2 minutes after that and said "your pushing!", I said " I can't help it". So I was half carried, half dragged back to the room and after pushing for about half an hour out came our first beautiful little girl. The whole process was just over 4hrs. It might sound pretty routine for a Birth Center delivery, but it was not at all what I had been expecting. The people did everything they were supposed to do, but my body....... it was confused. Why was I throwing up during labor? Didn't my body know we were working on getting things out the other end? And before I got in the tub, I was passing out between contractions. I mean all the way asleep between 2 minute contractions. Who sleeps then? My water never broke. She was about to come out in the bag of waters and finally the midwife asked if we wanted it broken. Of course! I didn't want my baby born in a balloon! And finally the pain......ya it's bad and all but more then that, it is an indescribable feeling. Awkward pain that is knife like but muscle crampy and burning fire all at once. There was no way to make it easier. But the minute she came out....it was all gone. It was like this miracle had happened and the pain was never there but it was all worth it . And then part they don't tell you about. The Placenta. Just was you are enjoying looking at this beautiful baby and falling in love, the pain starts all over again. You have to deliver another 5 pound object and this one you don't get to keep, nor would you want to. This one doesn't smile or cry or make everything wonderful. Just a blob that goes in the trash. Not worth the pain at all. I am almost tempted to make a video of this next delivery so I can warn my daughters about everything I didn't know. It would probably be great for abstinence teaching.... so maybe one other good thing will come out of the pain.

What no one ever told me about being a mom

I was watching Oprah the other day and it was all about the Secret lives of moms. Ya, like we have secret lives... anyways they were discussing all the things that no one tells you about motherhood. I would just like to start with all the things they don't tell you about pregnancy. Of course I knew about the stretch marks and the wieght gain. I heard your boobs get big and your skin looks clear, but what about the pregnancy farts. I am on pregnancy number 4 and I am still amazed and the noises that come out of my body and I have no control over them! My girls call it mommy making ducks. Everyone thinks this is hilarious ( hubby included) except me. I want to cry. I am a very private person, to the point that I only like going to the bathroom when noone is home or everyone is asleep. I sound like a 95 year old woman walking around the house. The worst is when it happens when I am going up the stairs because then it happens with every step I take. Yes, I would like to cry. Second, the brown line that some people get going down their stomache (the linea negra) I don't get it. Instead I get a happy trail. Yeah me! Now it's not as bad as a mans happy trail but still.... a hairy line down my stomache! I might not be able to control the gas but I will bleach my big pregnant stomache. John keeps telling me the baby's going to come out with blonde hair. Third, big boobs are fine but size 38 ff and growing...breast overload. I hear no complaints from the husband department, until after I am done breastfeeding, but man these suckers hurt. And the really cool part is I can only buy bras big enough at Babies R Us. Sexy huh? So instead of being beautiful with child, I turn into a fat hairy fart machine with overly large breasts who gets her undies from a store that also sells diapers, wipes, and baby clothes. And yet my husband still wants to .....what every man wants to do ON A DAILY BASIS. True love!!!!