Saturday, August 15, 2009

Mommy Thoughts

I don't know if it is technically post-par tum depression but I have felt so crazy after the last two babies. I have these crazy anxiety attacks and my mind goes to the worst places. The other day I was driving over the St. Georges bridge with just Chloe in the car and I kept thinking that if the bridge collapses how am I gonna get in the back, unbuckle her and swim to the surface, or if it was better to leave her in the carrier because it would help her float up to the surface, and how would I do CPR fast enough if I had to swim to the shore. It was a much more mild anxiety attack then usual. It gets worse when all four kids are with me and I go over a bridge or think I am gonna get in a car accident and how will I check on them all. It is so much harder because I really am not that person who worries about everything. I am so laid back and I hate feeling so uptight. The other night I was trying desperately to figure out how I would save my kids if some horrible person broke in my house and tried to attack my girls. I couldn't figure out if it was better to try to fight him and take the chance of being killed and really not being able to save them, or try and hide them before the guy got upstairs , but how do you keep a 1,3, and 4 year old quiet and not to mention the baby? And the more I tried every scenario out in my head, the worse it got. I finally realized I can't save them, and now I feel like a failure of a mom. It took at least 6 months after John Michael to stop being so irrational. I hope it stops sooner this time. Its keeping me up at night and the only thing that makes it better is being next to the kids or John. As soon as they are away from me I get scared again. I guess its a normal mom thing to want to keep your family safe but this is kind of extreme.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Lauren! I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It'll get better! It has to! Otherwise how do so many moms have like 7 kids?? lol. I also wanted to tell you that your fears seem pretty normal to me. At a church playgroup one time we all talked about that bridge scenario! So many of them have played that scenario in their minds trying to figure out what they would do. So I think a certain level of anxiety about our kids' safety is normal. If it starts interferring with your life, that's when it's becoming a problem. Hopefully you'll be able to feel better soon! I wish I lived close so I could help!