Grown-Up Clothes

So a couple of weeks ago, John sent me out to buy some clothes for myself. I guess he was tired of seeing me in my pajamas all day. I needed a break from being "Mom" for a little while so I said okay and headed off to Marshall's. Now when I go shopping, the store is split in two sections.... the "I am young and hip, have style and no kids" (the Juniors) section, and the " I am old, have kids, love spandex, and hate style section" (also known as women's) section. I have always wondered at what age you finally cross over that abyss and no longer go in the juniors department. When do people start looking at you and saying "Oh, I hope she is just shopping for a neice and not herself"? They go up to size 16 so you could possibly shop that department forever. I looked around the juniors department for a while, picked up a couple of shirts, but I didn't feel in the mood because nothing looked like what a mother of four should be wearing. So I looked across the store at the Women's section and decided to head over and just take a peak and see how bad it really was. And if by some chance I saw someone I knew I would say I was looking for my mom. As I wandered around the Tops section I saw the cutest sweater! I grabbed it, it was a large which is what I usually buy in tops, and decided that some lazy person had put this back in the wrong section. All of a sudden I saw two more tops I liked, then a few more. I looked at the sign over head to make sure this really was the women's section and it was. But I was so baffled. This had to be a fluke. I grabbed a couple more shirts and went to try them on. Then the best thing ever happened.....The top was too big! Now I am rather large on top so this NEVER happens. I have been wearing large tops since puberty. I ran, yes ran, out of the dressing rooms and back to my new favorite section. I got the right sizes and was about to go try them on when I walked past the pants section. Now this the the true test for Women's clothes. Everyone knows about the famous "Mom" jeans. They are skinny at the bottom, wide up top, and go up way higher then the belly button. I saw a couple pair that might be okay and grabbed my usual size again. Now in juniors I have been a size 9/10 FOREVER! And again as i went to the dressing rooms the clothes were too big. WOOHOO!! I felt like the ladies on the Jenny Craig commercial. "I used to be a size 10 but now I am a size 4!" I dropped 6 pants sizes and all I had to do was go to the Grown-up section!!!!! Best diet ever.

Prego T-shirt Slogans

So I will never be a clothing designer, but I always wanted to design a line of maternity shirts with cute slogans on them. Mostly it's just the things I was thinking while I was pregnant but could never say out loud. And this way if it was on a t-shirt, people would get less offended. If anyone who reads this owns a t-shirt printing company and wants to steal these, go ahead. I will give you my address to send my royalties check to. If anyone wants to add to them, awesome.

1. (Across the stomach) Private Property!

2. Alien 4 (or whatever number child it is for you)

3. When am I due for what?

4. Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I want to hear all the horrible things that happened to you when you were pregnant. I have a little person in my stomach kicking my kidneys! I think I am freaked out enough. It's like Thumper said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"

5. No I am not pregnant I just like chocolate....a lot.

6. Do I know what it is? I am hoping it's a baby.

7. I'm not sleeping, my skin is tearing, I spend more time in the bathroom then in any other part of my house, my organs are being shoved around, I am craving gross things, my feet are swollen so big they are stuck in my shoes, my pelvic bone just cracked open, and I lost my belly button last week ...... so no honey, I am Not in the mood.

8. Immaculate Conception number 3

9. This is my fourth attempt at giving my Father-in-Law a heart attack!

10. I make Dolly Parton jealous.... you just can't tell because I have a stomach to match.

11. Do I need anything...... I need someone to tie my shoes for me.

12. No they are not all mine. I stole 2 of them from the lady in line behind me.

Smell up my House Day

So today is officially "Smell up my House Day". No, its not really a holiday for me but more of a ritual I follow several times a month. I fill my house with every smelly thing I possibly can. Let me rephrase that.... every good smelly thing I can find. I love plug-ins, febreze, candles, etc.I really wouldn't care if they told me all the scented stuff in my house causes cancer. I need my smellies. I go around and strip down all the beds. Then I spray each mattress down with either febreze or antibacterial spray and if that is not enough I put baby powder all over the mattresses before I put the sheets back on. I love the smell of babies! Today I even put fabric softener sheets under the sheets because I was out of baby powder. And the finishing touch is carpet refresher. Luckily my husband never says anything to make fun of me over my smell fetish. It really isn't my fault anyways. I inherited it from my mom. I am reminded of that every time I walk into her house and she has enough incense sticks lit to shame a Buddhist temple. That is on top of a plug-in in ever outlet, those nasty oil sticks my son LOVES to knock over, and tacky potpourri in bowls. Plus my mom bathes in her perfume to make sure she smells just as wonderful as her house. So this illness gets better with every generation. I don't really use perfume and I have never, (okay once) bought tacky potpourri. I do have to say I love incense, but only the real kind and not any funny scented stuff. Well time to go vacuum up my carpet refresher.